A Little Life

So, about this 2009 business...

2009-01-03T22:04:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year and all that jazz. I think my only real resolution this year is to make myself happy and so far, that's been an interesting concept.

The real thing I'm thinking about is what happens in July. In July, my "contract" is up and I'll be done with Americorps. And so it'll be on to something new. Something new just might be grad school. I've been saying it's plan B, but the more I think about it the more I wonder if I should just make it plan A and have done with it. There's a couple of reasons why that might be good:

1. The economy sucks and going to school would let everything calm down by the time I was ready to go job hunting for reals. I've done the job hunting in a recession/bad economy before. It has never worked out well for me; I keep winding back up in retail and I don't want that.

2. I have this feeling if I don't do it now, it won't happen. Which may be silly and may not be.

3. It feels right. More right than my tentative job searching has felt.

Of course, there's reasons why it might be bad:

1. Am I just wanting to do it so I don't have to go job hunting full force?

2. There's the question of the money, although even working part time would probably make me more money that I make now.

3. It would probably be adding more to my student loans (although, really, at this point, that really doesn't matter. I'll be paying them off until I'm 50 anyhow).

I don't know. I really don't. But I think I might regret not trying to go for it, to do it. But do I want it for the right reasons, is what I want to know. Or does it really matter what the right reasons are?

Armistice

2008-11-11T08:17:00.003-05:00

Oh how do you do, young Willy McBride
Do you mind if I sit here down by your graveside
And rest for a while in the warm summer sun
I've been walking all day, and I'm nearly done
And I see by your gravestone you were only nineteen
When you joined the great fallen in 1916
Well I hope you died quick
And I hope you died clean
Or Willy McBride, was is it slow and obscene?

Did they beat the drums slowly?
Did they play the fife lowly?
Did they sound the death march as they lowered you down?
Did the band play the last post and chorus?
Did the pipes play the flowers of the forest?

And did you leave a wife or a sweetheart behind?
In some loyal heart is your memory enshrined?
And though you died back in 1916
To that loyal heart you're forever nineteen
Or are you a stranger without even a name
Forever enshrined behind some old glass pane?
In an old photograph torn, tattered, and stained
And faded to yellow in a brown leather frame

The sun shining down on these green fields of France
The warm wind blows gently and the red poppies dance
The trenches have vanished long under the plow
No gas, no barbed wire, no guns firing now
But here in this graveyard that's still no man's land
The countless white crosses in mute witness stand
To man's blind indifference to his fellow man
And a whole generation were butchered and damned

And I can't help but wonder oh Willy McBride
Do all those who lie here know why they died
Did you really believe them when they told you the cause?
Did you really believe that this war would end wars?
Well the suffering, the sorrow, the glory, the shame
The killing and dying it was all done in vain
Oh Willy McBride it all happened again
And again, and again, and again, and again

"No Man's Land (Green Fields of France)" written by Eric Bogle, as performed by the Dropkick Murphys

Blog Action Day 2008

2008-10-15T15:58:00.002-05:00

This year for Blog Action Day, the topic is Poverty, which is something I'm both familiar and unfamiliar with in different ways.

I am a VISTA (which stands for Volunteers In Service To America), which is a program that was started in the 1960s to eradicate poverty in the US. Obviously, we haven't achieved that goal yet, but every year thousands of people of all ages and backgrounds participate in this 1 year volunteer program. We are assigned to a program site that is generally a nonprofit organization that has a social service mission. VISTAs work all over the country, in both rural and urban areas. We do receive a living allowance (mine works out to be about $750 a month, but the actual amount varies depending on where you are) and some health care coverage, but part of the idea is that you live in poverty while fighting poverty.

My VISTA situation isn't maybe what people would think when they think about eradicating poverty. I work for an affordable housing organization in a fairly affluent small town. The clients I work are considered to have low to moderate incomes, but they are not destitute (small irony- most of them make roughly three times as much money a year than I do). Some people might look at this and shake their heads, thinking that there are so many worse situations to be in than a renter in an affluent small town. This is true. But poverty isn't just how much money you make.

There is a certain poverty to a town that does not have a range of affordable housing. Many of the people who work in our town, especially people who work for some of the larger employers, like the local nursing facility, cannot afford to live in our town. They live in nearby cities where housing is more affordable. But with rising gas and food prices, they are squeezed even more than they were before. If they lived in town, they would have a considerably shorter commute- almost nothing in town is more than two miles from anything else. Most of them could probably walk or bike to work if they lived in town, which would save them a not inconsiderable amount of money a month. And with even that little bit of savings, there's no telling what they could do. Get out of debt. Further their educations. Help their children with their educations. Save for retirement. People can do amazing things, given the opportunity. And affordable housing is one of those things that can give people opportunities. But when there is no affordable housing, everyone loses. Employers lose because their employees have more obstacles in getting to work. The community loses because the lack of affordable housing means young families have a harder time living in our town, and when you have a town with no young families, you have a town without a future. We all lose when there is no diversity, either racially, socially or economically. The environment loses when people have to commute so far to work. This poverty really does affect us all.

That is the poverty I am working to eradicate. The poverty that leads to communities that can't sustain themselves. It's maybe not as visibly necessary as working to feed the hungry and house the homeless, but it's still vital to our communities and our world. Poverty touches us all in more ways than we realize, and it's these "silent" ways that may really be the larger problem facing our country today.

Random Things I am Thinking About

2008-10-09T20:23:00.002-05:00

1. I read this post at Get Rich Slowly this morning about once a month grocery shopping. The comments are making me screw my face up and wonder where these people are coming from. Half the posters are up in arms about not having fresh fruit and veggies if you only go to the grocery once a month because produce won't last that long. I'm wondering what *they're* buying, because the produce I buy can usually easily last 4 weeks. Apples and oranges don't go bad near that fast if they're in the fridge. I mean, yeah, bananas aren't going to make it a month. But you can certainly have fresh fruit for a month. Maybe not veggies (although bell peppers seem to hold up fine for 3+ weeks), but that is why God invented frozen foods. Yes, yes, they may be slightly less nutritious than fresh, but they're still good for you. And cheaper too (I really want to know where the poster who said frozen veggies were more expensive than fresh is shopping, because it's certainly not my grocery). Everyone keeps saying that if you shop once a month you must be eating a lot of processed foods, but I don't really eat that much processed food. I don't do boxed meals. Or frozen meals, either, for that matter. I do eat a lot of cereal, but Grape Nuts and Wheaties are not exactly the most processed cereals in the world.

I dunno. I have no shame about my shopping strategies. I go once a month for most of the non perishables and any perishables that will last that long, which is most of them. I go maybe every other week for more fruit and sometimes more milk, but that's usually because I've eaten all of it more than it's gone bad.

2. I'm having a hard time with this Issue 6 thing. I don't think gambling is intrinsically wrong, and I have no problem with having a resort casino in Ohio. And God knows the area of the state where they're putting this thing could use some jobs that won't get outsourced. But I keep hearing things about loopholes that won't benefit the state and I'm a bit wary. So, not sure what to do on that one yet.

3. Today was completely beautiful. It feels a little early for the trees to be changing colors but I guess it's really not, is it? Lots of migrating birds, though. It's LOUD out there all day.

4. My downstairs neighbor makes interesting smelling food. I can't decide if tonight's offering smells good or not, though. Last night clearly involved a LOT of garlic, so I guess I can rest assured that he's not a vampire or anything.

5. I solved a problem we were having at work with storing floor plans for houses. I felt all smart-like. Until I sat down and read my email and had to start figuring out warranty issues and closings again. I will be very glad when everyone's house is fixed, or closed upon or otherwise resolved.

Well, that was interesting

2008-08-25T19:07:00.002-05:00

My previous post has garnered a tad bit of attention from someone or other. I let it go, because I was curious to see what happened (I'm not going to debate people in the comments. It's a losing battle. So long as they keep a civil tongue in their head, commenters can disagree with me all they like). I hadn't known there was political spam comments. Interesting.

I closed comments on that post because I had a feeling if I let it go it would just go on and on and on and eh. The point has been made.

PSA for my Ohioans- Payday Lending Bill

2008-08-19T06:24:00.004-05:00

I know some of you have heard this rant before and all, but it's important. And important to understand what's really going on, because there is a LOT of misinformation going on with this bill.

There is now a law in Ohio that says that payday lenders can only charge a maximum of 28% interest on their loans. Previously, they charged up to 391% interest. I'll let that number sink in a second- Three Hundred and Ninety-One Percent. The new law also requires loans to be for no shorter than 31 days, much like a credit card.

The payday lending industry, not surprisingly, is not happy with this law. They are petitioning for the law to go on the ballot in November as a referendum. That is, of course, their right, and it is the right of everyone to make up their minds individually as to whether they think this is a good law or not. HOWEVER- the payday lending industry is using some questionable tactics and some questionable information to get this referendum on the ballot, which may be one of the things that irks me the most.

You may have seen a commercial where a farmer or a mother says that the lawmakers are trying to take away "our financial choices" or "eliminate 6,000 good paying Ohio jobs". That's not exactly what is happening. The law does not prohibit payday lending. The law limits the amount of interest that payday lenders can charge. The payday lenders are saying that they can't operate on only 28% interest, and this law will effectively close them down. Whether that is true or not, I can't say. I know a good deal about payday lending from the borrower's point of view, but less from the lenders' point of view. However, I will point out that payday lending in and of itself is predatory lending and also is limiting of financial choices. Here's why:

As the commercials say, you can borrow $100 and "it costs $15". This is true. What the commercial is not saying is that you are borrowing that $100 against your next paycheck and when your paycheck comes in, you have to pay $115 to clear the loan. So, then your paycheck is short by $115. What happens next? Well, if you've been living paycheck to paycheck and your expenses are right up to the limit of your check (or beyond), this means you're not going to be able to afford all your expenses, let alone any other unexpected things that come up. So, you either roll the loan over for another week or wind up getting another loan. The interest keeps accumulating, and you keep being short on your check because you have to pay something on this payday loan, which means you keep being unable to make ends meet. It's a cycle that is extremely difficult to break free of (not unlike credit card debt, but that's a different story. Trust me, it's easier to get out of credit card debt than it is to get out of these payday loans). And the people caught in this cycle are overwhelmingly low income households. They are not the sort of middle class people that the commercials portray. Why? Because the middle class and the higher income households have more financial options. Credit is easier to come by for people with moderate to high incomes because banks and credit card companies see them as a better risk than someone who is making 30 to 50% of the area median income. Also, higher income households just plain make more money and can potentially have more room to cut back on expenses in an emergency. You can do without cable for a couple of months, for example. It's harder to do without food.

I expect the commercials to be one-sided. I also expect them to lay out information in a way that supports their view- it's how political ads work. They happen to be targeting people who may not have any experience with payday lending, which is why I felt it was important to point out how payday lending is predatory and limiting of choices. That's not the real problem. The real problem is that there are signature gatherers for the petitions to put this on the ballot that are spreading misinformation in a variety of ways. Most of them probably don't even know they're spreading misinformation- they're doing what they've been told to do. The petitions are being represented as a way to save jobs in Ohio- they don't say anything about the lending or the bill itself. Some signature gatherers have said they're working for the State of Ohio, which is not true (and it may be illegal to misrepresent who you're working for when you're gathering signatures, I'm not sure). The payday lending industry denies these misrepresentations are taking place, but aside from the fact that I'd be suspicious of that denial anyway, I know people who have been approached with these petitions by signature gatherers who were presenting misinformation (full disclosure- I have not seen a petition as yet). In my mind, that's not on. It's unfair to the petition signers for them to not have an understanding of what it is they are signing.

Oh, and as one last note, the payday lending industry got the Secretary of State for Ohio to put language on the ballot where if you vote "no", you are actually voting *for* the repeal of the law. It's obfuscation, which I believe also has no place in a ballot (I'm fighting a losing battle there, I know).

So, this is all to say, be aware of what you are looking at when you are considering your votes this year. I'm not going to tell anyone to vote against the payday lenders- for one, I'm not allowed to do that sort of thing by the terms of my job (I'm giving information here; education is fine, lobbying is not). For another, I think people should make up their own mind. Just be educated when you make your decisions.

2008-08-16T22:14:00.000-05:00

Oh, my God, they did it. Go USA!!

8 for 8!

Meh

2008-08-11T18:46:00.002-05:00

Bother. The swimming isn't on tonight until 10:30. That is past bedtime. I want to stay up, but if I stay up until 10:30 or 11 and watch swimming, I will be all hyped up and not get to sleep for a long time. Which would be fine if it were Friday, but it is Monday. And I'm tired out already and it's not quite 8 yet (weather whiplash- it cooled off and my sinuses are going "buh, wha? I don't liiiiiiiiike it when the weather changes....whine, whine, whine" Wimps, the both of them). Oh well, I imagine there will be replays on line.

For those of you who are interested, the Persaides meteor shower is tonight. The moon is full, so it's probably not going to be very visible until about 1 am EDT, but the peak is supposedly not until 7 am EDT, so there you go.

Back, back gone

2008-07-14T20:41:00.002-05:00

Holy Mother of God. I'm watching the Home Run Derby, and Josh Hamilton has just this second hit his 22nd home run of the first round. And he's still got two outs to go. This is something.

No, 23 now. Sheesh.

(I was watching to see Grady Sizemore, of course, who hit a very respectable 6 home runs, a couple to the upper deck. Actually, he'd have gotten 8, if two had stayed fair).

24 now. Bobby Abreu holds the record with 24 home runs. And Josh Hamilton now has the record with 25. 26, now. I'm not sure they're going to *get* to rounds 2 and 3 at this rate (I probably won't- it's almost 10 and I'll have to go to bed). The guy pitching to him is his high school coach or something, and he's 71 years old, and still serving up some pretty damn perfect pitches.

Ok, now this is getting insane. He's got 28 home runs, and that's like as many as he's hit the whole season. 28, the final. Wow. That's amazing.

30x30 day 9

2008-07-09T06:39:00.002-05:00

Ha. 7:40 am and I've done my activity. 30 minute walk this morning, to the Women's park and back (I can't say for sure, but it's more than a mile, I'm pretty sure. Well, I certainly hope it is, given that otherwise, I'm doing 30 minute miles and that is not pretty at all. I wasn't going at top speed, but I think I was certainly going faster than that!)

I do feel as though I have accomplished something, but I do also feel as though I could happily go back to bed. Unfortunately, that is not so much an option. Oh, well.

Why do I read the comments....?

2008-07-08T18:23:00.002-05:00

I was reading this post about how there are things about American society that make it "dangerous" to voluntarily live at a lower standard of living. One of the reasons the author gave for this argument is the fact that health insurance can be expensive or impossible to get outside of a job, and thus, many people who could otherwise retire, semi-retire, or work part time are "forced" to remain in their job for the health insurance. Makes sense to me. Then I read the comments, and I really shouldn't do that. I know better than to read them on CNN or Salon or other news sites, but this is a smaller, personal finance site, and apparently, I need to add it to the list of places I don't read the comments, because they just frustrate the hell out of me.

Many of the commenters agreed with the author. And all the comments I read were fairly civil. But, there was a pervasive attitude of "if you quit eating junk/change your behaviors/look to alternative medicine, you won't need health insurance anyway, because you won't be sick".

People. Not everyone who has a chronic condition has it as the result of poor health behaviors. I will grant you that poor health behaviors often exacerbate chronic conditions, but they are not always the cause, and maybe not even always the primary cause. Sometimes, you're just born that way, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about that. Nothing in the world is going to change the fact that I was born with a sinus defect that lends itself to chronic sinusitis. Or the fact that my immune system is more than a little bit hyperactive. Or the fact that my respiratory system doesn't quite function the way it's supposed to.

Now, there are things I can do that will help these conditions (and I do behave myself for the most part. And when I'm not behaving myself, I do recognize it and try to do better; hence the 30x30 challenge). But nothing in the world (thus far) is going to make these things go away. So, yeah, unless or until I am independently wealthy (yeah, I know, that's funny) or socialized medicine comes to these shores (I am so not holding my breath), I'd best have some health insurance. Because keeping myself healthy is not an inexpensive proposition.

So, let's not assume that "unhealthy" people are that way because they aren't disciplined/don't want to change/don't want to be healthy, mmmmmkay?

30x30 day 8 update- well, there was some yoga stretching this morning because my back decided to be cranky. And there were several extra trips up and down the stairs in the church because I needed to refill my water bottle (and consequently, use the restroom), but there was no concerted effort to be active for 30 minutes, because it is still stinkin' hot. Actually, it's more that it's stinkin' humid, which is really worse. Tomorrow, I will try harder, which is really all I ask of myself.

30x30 days 4, 5, and 6

2008-07-08T06:28:00.002-05:00

Catching up:

Day 4- I helped paint the office, which was fun, but sweaty work
Day 5- I helped paint again, not as much
Day 6- I hauled library books back to the library and then groceries back to the house and cleaned up the kitchen.

yesterday was day 7, and I was a hot, cranky, sweaty mess and therefore, unless I count the entire thirty minute battle with my office door*, I did nothing. Which I'm not terribly bothered by, because, again, hot, sweaty, cranky mess.

*The office door sticks a little, regularly, but it has stuck shut twice in high humidity. The first time, I got into the office by going through the side door that leads to another classroom, which was luckily open, and then got the other door open by banging it out from the inside. However, yesterday, the side door was latched (which it should be- they do youth Sunday School in the adjacent class room, and we would like to prevent curious preteens from entering our office), so that plan was a no-go. I struggled with the door awhile, pulling on it with all my weight behind it, and it wouldn't budge. So, then I marched down to the grocery and bought a can of WD-40 to see if that would help, but it did not. Finally, I conceded defeat and called my boss, who said she'd bring the sander with her when she came in. One of the church caretakers happened by while I was sitting outside waiting, and he came up and got the door open for me. My boss sanded it down, so hopefully, that will solve the sticking issue and I won't have to do this again.

30x30 day 3, and Happy Independence Day

2008-07-04T08:37:00.002-05:00

Ok, 30x30: yesterday I had a meeting in downtown Columbus, and there was lunch involved as well as a couple of side trips while we were there, so I got at least 30 minutes of extra walking around (and a blister. Ow. This is what happens when you live somewhere where shoes are sort of optional. When you have to wear your dress shoes, they eat your feet).

Also, Happy 236th birthday, America! I am still in Columbus, and I forgot to bring home my 1776 DVD, so I will be late with my annual viewing, but I'm sure I'll watch it when I get home. I'm going to help Mom paint this weekend and possibly help with laying carpet as they transform Rob's bedroom into the study (since clearly, the likelihood of him moving back in is basically zero. We can't quite say that of me just yet, although I'm not planning to. But my plans have a way of laughing in my face, so I'm not saying never).

And that's what I know.

30x30 day 2`

2008-07-02T20:47:00.003-05:00

One nice thing about my job is sometimes, I need to leave the office to do things. And one nice thing about this town and where my office is located is that usually, I walk to do these things. So I got about 30 minutes (I don't have a watch, so I can't say for sure, but for the distance, that seems about right) of extra walking in today.

I suspect, though, that I may have to shift this exercise thing to a time that is *not* after work, because I am crashed out after work (it's the witching hours. I've never been good between the hours of 4 and 7, so far as I can remember). I'm sure, somehow, this is going to result in needing to get up earlier. Which will probably result in going to bed earlier, which will not thrill me. Meh.

30x30 day 1

2008-07-02T07:19:00.001-05:00

So, this did not get off to the start I had expected. I had planned to take advantage of the lovely day and go for a walk. Instead, I spent 25 minutes dealing with and cleaning up a recalcitrant toilet (I hate the plumbing in this place. I think it's the only thing I really, really dislike). Oh well, at least it was an upper body workout, right?

30 days

2008-06-29T17:49:00.002-05:00

I'm discovering that I may be woefully out of shape. Well, perhaps not woefully. But not as much in shape as I'd prefer to be. This is of course no fault of anyone but me, because apparently, my natural inclination is towards sloth.

Thirty day challenges are something I've been reading about (I am somewhat addicted to personal development/lifehack blogs. Don't ask me, I don't know. Anyway), and so therefore for the next 30 days, I am going to do *something* active-like for 30 minutes. Walking to work doesn't count (I do that most days anyway). I may decide cleaning the apartment does count (it makes me sweaty enough, that's for sure, although that could be because it's approximately 173 degrees in here), if only because the apartment dearly needs cleaned and that could be two birds with one stone and I'm all about efficency in things I don't like doing (I don't like actually working out. I like taking walks, I like hiking, I like swimming, and I like being in shape, but I'm not fond of getting there. And I think we're all clear on how much I detest cleaning).

So, anyway, if I don't post something about having worked out for more than two days in a row, you all have my permission to bother me until July 30th.

Oh

2008-05-27T16:02:00.002-05:00

So, Dad asks, "who was WJ Cameron?"

The answer turns out to be that he was the anti-Semitic editor of the Dearborn Independent newspaper published by Henry Ford. Which I did not know until I went googling to answer the question. The quote had just been in my "word collection".

Which brings up an interesting thought about liking someone's words and not their actions or politics. Hm. Because I do like the quote- I think it's a very good thought for Memorial Day.

So there's your point to ponder for the day.

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T19:54:00.001-05:00

Perform, then, this one act of remembrance before this Day passes - Remember there is an army of defense and advance that never dies and never surrenders, but is increasingly recruited from the eternal sources of the American spirit and from the generations of American youth. ~W.J. Cameron

Thank you for what you do. Come home safe.

Green House

2008-04-20T19:18:00.003-05:00

I'm watching this special on HGTV about eco-friendly materials for homes, looking for ideas, of course. So far they haven't really told me anything I didn't already know, but one of the designers said something when they were talking about living rooms. She said that being "green" with furniture is not new, because people have been using secondhand/family/heirloom furniture forever. Which means I've got a pretty darn "green" house, since just about every piece of furniture I own is a hand-me-down. The futon I bought in DC, but the mattress used to be on the futon in the basement back home. The media cabinet/stand was a printer stand. My endtable is one of the night stands that were in Grandpa's house. Two of the bookcases were from my bedroom back home. I think I got two of the others in college, and the third unit was a marked down display from when I used to work at The Container Store. My desk is the same stuff, although I did buy most of those pieces new (I think the desktop piece was a marked down return). The table was in one of the households' worth of stuff from Babcia's house. The coffee table was our coffee table when I was a kid. My dresser used to be in Rob's room. My mattress was also from Babcia's house, although the headboard and frame are new.

There are a couple things that got bought new like the kitchen chair, desk chair and my desk. Some of the storage drawers and things too. But most of it has been used in a previous habitat, and I imagine it'll get used in several future domiciles. Partly because I'm getting cheaper by the day and partly because it's nice stuff, it's going to hold up a good while. I'm certain I'll need more/new furniture at some point, but hand-me-down and second hand stuff is probably nicer than most things I could buy new. The one exception is anything upholstered, because that's going to have to be bought new because of the allergies (the futon mattress and bed mattress were fine because I knew where it was from and knew there were no pets, etc. The bed mattress was brand new, besides).

Mmmm, they're talking about bamboo bedding. Sooooo soft. I have a set of pillowcases I got on sale.

interesting....

2008-04-13T13:40:00.002-05:00

There's something to be said for not working retail. I just realized that I only had one sinus infection this winter. And my hands never got really, really bad. Usually they wind up bleeding by February, but they never got that far (thank God, because they look I've got some sort of flesh eating disease when that happens). I don't know if it was not dealing with the crazy mixed around schedule, or not being around all the dust and cardboard (I am oddly allergic to cardboard somehow. Whenever I get cardboard scratches, they get all puffy and scar up. The scars go away after while, though). Or the stress. Something, for sure, because this winter was much worse weather wise than the past several winters.

I'm also not covered in bruises and scratches (and scars) for once in my life. Amazing.

2008-04-11T17:46:00.002-05:00

Someone gives you TEN million dollars, but you have only TEN weeks to spend it or it's lost (and it can't be invested in any sort of accounts - you've got to spend it on services or material things). What TEN things do you do with it?
1. Pay off all debt

2. Buy a house to rehab in a great, walkable neighborhood in a nice, smallish city. Preferably a Craftsman or mid-century Modern. With solar, and recycled materials, and no VOC paint, and great windows and doors, and the really crazy expensive super duper energy efficient appliances (obviously, I'd buy these things while I still have the cash).

3. Take everyone on a vacation to somewhere none of us have ever been before

4. Buy really good yarn (oh, come on, you knew I'd say that)

5. Replace my car

6. Get many, many massages. Like, 20.

7. Get all the complete DVD sets that I want

8. Pay tuition to get my Masters'

9. Have lots and lots of fun deciding how to give a big chunk of it away

10. Um, I'm out of things, if I'm not allowed to invest any of it. Probably buy clothes or something.

You may only own NINE books for the rest of your life. What are they?

1. The Lord of the Rings, Tolkien

2. The Sparrow, Mary Doria Russell

3. A Civil Campaign, Lois McMaster Bujold

4. The Curse of Chalion, Lois McMaster Bujold

5. Finder, Emma Bull

6. Sailing to Sarantium, Guy Gavriel Kay

7. Tam Lin, Pamela Dean

8. Cryptonomicon, Neal Stephenson

9. The New York Library Desk Reference

Name EIGHT moments in your life that you're proud or happy to remember.

In no particular order

1. Graduating from UD

2. Eating ice cream in my pajamas in the car on hot summer nights in Cleveland with Mom and Babcia and Dziadz and Rob

3. Rob and Heather's wedding

4. The Wednesday Night Dinner and West Wing Watching Club with Alana

5. Making up dance routines with Sarah

6. Goofing off with Ed, especially that summer we lived right down the street from each other

7. The Great Western Road Trip of 2002 with Daddy

8. Flying for the first time to DC with Mommy.

List SEVEN tasks you'd be happy never to have to do again.
1. Calling a long list of people to ask them to volunteer for something

2. Cleaning out the car

3. Moving (yeah, right)

4. Carrying large, heavy things up flights of stairs

5. Taking a comprehensive exam

6. Play diplomat between two people who aren't speaking to each other

7. Pay overdue library fines

Name SIX of your own acquired skills or personality traits of which you are proud. (Brag on yourself, dude! Own it!)
1. I read really, really fast

2. I'm really good at making connections between things on the fly

3. I am generally a reasonably patient person

4. I know where my keys are

5. I can write a budget and follow it and pay my bills on time

6. I am easily amused

List FIVE movies you have seen at least FIVE times and/or would be willing to watch at least FIVE times in the future.
1. The American President

2. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

3. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

4. 1776

5. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Name FOUR features of your own body that you like.
1. I have really pretty green eyes

2. I like my hair, even if there is no reasoning with it

3. I have a pretty smile.

4. I'm good and solidly built. All those wonderful peasant genes! Makes me feel stronger.

List THREE pieces of your furniture you'd like to replace.
1. The mattress on the futon in the living room. Actually, I'd like a couch, so maybe the whole futon in the living room.

2. Uh, I don't really have that much furniture that I don't like. Well, I don't have that much furniture to begin with. Maybe my headboard- I love the style of it, but it's very open and I keep losing my pillows through the bars

3. I'd replace my imaginary chair/love seat/other thing for people to sit on in my living room with a real one.

Name TWO skills and/or personality traits which you are still developing.

1. The ability to talk to people I don't know without every muscle in my body tensing up and my mind going completely blank.

2. Letting people help me

Find (or recite if you're just that good) ONE quotation that expresses something you find profoundly true.

I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.- Rainer Marie Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

A couple random things

2008-04-06T19:36:00.002-05:00

1) Sense memory is a weird thing. I have this tendency to lock myself in my apartment when I'm trying to leave it because I turn the deadbolt the wrong way to open the door. When I look at a lock, if it's horizontal, I think it's unlocked. Which is fine, but you turn the deadbolt horizontal in my door, it locks it. I swear I do this at least once a day, if not several times. Somewhere I've lived, you must have needed to turn the lock to a vertical position to lock the door (Our house, maybe, Parental Readers?), so my hands just automatically try to make locks work that way. It's like the light switch in the downstairs bathroom in my parents' house. We've had the house for twenty years. I lived there for more than 10 years (13, I think, altogether). That's significantly longer than anywhere else I've ever lived. And yet, probably 8 times out of 10, when I go into the downstairs bathroom, I reach for the light switch on the right side of the door. It's on the left. But, in the house we lived in before this one, the light switch was on the left hand side of the door, so that's where my hand goes. I haven't lived in that house since I was 7. I'm 28. That just blows my mind.

2) There is this commercial for this new asthma medication, I think it's called Symbicort. In the commercial, the woman says something like "I went back to my doctor because my asthma symptoms kept coming back. Turns out, that asthma never goes away, even when you're symptom free!" Well, no shit, Sherlock. Seriously, are there people out there who have asthma who don't know that? My doctor drilled that into me before I was ten, when telling me why you have to always take your meds. And he did it again, and again and again when I was a teenager (he's got a thing about non-compliance with medication. I was a remarkably compliant teenager). The only thing I can think of is that the marketing people behind that commercial are clearly not asthmatic and clearly don't know any asthmatic people. Or there's some really uninformative doctors out there.

Now, yes, it is possible for people with asthma to recover to the point where they can be considered "cured". One of the kind of amazing things about kids and asthma is that an extremely high percentage of kids outgrow it. It's been awhile since I looked up the stat, but it's something like 80-90%. I'm a rarity, actually, as someone diagnosed as a little kid who is still considered severely asthmatic. People ask me about outgrowing it all the time when they find out I'm asthmatic. No, unfortunately, I'm not going to be outgrowing it. That ship has pretty much sailed. I'm in the minority of people who actually got worse when they hit puberty instead of better. Not getting better, here, sorry (doesn't much bother me, actually. I don't remember any different). So, maybe the "outgrowing" was the angle that commercial is going for, but it's still a real "no, duh" thing to say. Actually, I don't think most adults who are diagnosed as adults do have as great of a chance of "outgrowing" as kids do (I haven't looked into that, though, since it's not applicable to me. I'll have to ask next time I see the doctor).

So, yeah, there's where Kim's head has been wandering the past couple of days.

3 things I am currently pleased about

2008-03-25T16:07:00.003-05:00

1) I returned a whole slew of library books to the book drop the other day and later that night I checked my account to see what the fine damage was and noted that it still had two books checked out under my name. I was quite sure I had had both books in my hand when I'd walked out to the car, so I double checked the car, and sure enough, one of them had slid between the seat and the door. But the other one was not between the seat and the door. It was not under the seat, it was not in the back seat. It was not in the car. It was not on the library book shelf in the living room, it was not on the cedar chest, it was not on the kitchen table, it was not in the various places books hide in my bedroom. I did not have the book. This was not a happy realization. So, this afternoon, I took the book that had been left in the car back to the library. The kid behind the desk checked it in and said I was still missing one. I told him that I would swear I returned it, and it's not anywhere in my apartment or my car. So, he went to check the shelf and lo and behold, it was there. Somehow it got missed when they checked in the books that day. So, he checked it in and it was off my account which reduced my fine by about 2/3rds, and I paid it and everything is hunky dory with the library again and I can go back to taking out books and forgetting to return them again.

2) The other day, I checked the cable company's website to check on some kind of maintenance they did on my cable box (remotely), and noted that they were advertising standard digital cable with RoadRunner for approximately $30 less than I paid. This did not please me. So I called them this afternoon and said, "hi, you're overcharging me dramatically, please do something about this". So I talked to someone who explained that the RoadRunner in the advertisement was RoadRunner Lite, which is slower than the connection I have now, but still faster than dial up. But that I could downgrade to that and get the lower price they are advertising. I said, heck, yeah, I can put up with slower internet if it saves me about $30 a month, yes please. So that loosens up the budget slightly (not a ton, but a little)

3) I get to go to a fancypants training in May, which is pretty exciting, because the organization doing the training is supposed to be one of THE best training organizations in my field, which is very cool. Their trainings are VERY expensive, but the topic is something that's really important for my organization, so we decided it made sense for me to go. I am happy because I didn't think it would fly, budgetwise, and I did want to go.

Risen

2008-03-23T19:30:00.002-05:00

So, Happy Easter. I hope you had a blessed one.

Lent and Easter made me think about my Babcia a lot. I think that she felt very connected to those seasons of the year. This is the woman who owned not one, but two crowns of thorns*. This is the woman who taught me the idea of offering up your struggles to the cross. Yes, I think it is safe to say she was quite spiritually in tune with Lent. But I know she loved the joy of Easter as well. For some reason, I have more early memories of Easter than I do of Christmas. I remember the Easter egg tree she would put up by the front door. I remember going to the church to get the food blessed. I remember the butter lamb and the lamb cake that she frequently got without coconut for me because she knew I detest coconut. I remember standing in the back yard all dressed up in my Easter dress* with a hat and everything for photos. And Easter meant spring, for all that I can remember many Easters that included snow. And I remember going to church on Good Friday for stations and the adoration of the Cross. I remember being in the dim church and watching and praying. I was too young to understand, I think, at first, but later, I did.

It's not quite a year since she's gone, and really, honestly, I miss her. I miss her so much. I mean, no, I don't really miss the Babcia who was stuck in that bed with nothing but her DVDs and who could not remember that she'd watched something three times already. I know she is at peace now, and I am happy for that. But I do miss my Babcia who played with me in the back yard. Who took trips with me and my brother on the porch swing to Prauge and Peru. Who came upstairs singing when we'd be up in the bedroom giggling too much to go to sleep. Who always bought us chocolate donuts when we came to visit, and who would have done anything, anything in the world to make sure we knew she loved us. Sometimes that was stressful, yes, yes, it was. But I knew I was loved and she would have never let me forget that.

(As an aside- if you're reading this, Babcia, yes, yes, I know the paper around the photos on the display board are uneven. I know I should have done it over, because it looks sloppy. But I had limited resources to work with, and I'm horrible at straight lines, so it is what it is).

*Nope, not kidding. Yeah, I know.
**Easter clothing was a bit of a challenge for me. My poor mom had the misfortune to have a daughter with a severe lace aversion in the 1980s. Do you know how hard it was to find dresses without lace in the 1980s? Now, of course, it's not a problem.

mmm, tired

2008-03-17T20:56:00.002-05:00

Long, long day, although nothing happened that was earthshattering. Just long and grey and not as warm as I was promised, which never makes me happy. Kids tearing around downtown in green, the old men sitting outside the coffee shop watching. A lunch meeting in the coffee shop, full of people coming and going and the college kids playing cards and studying. Staring at people's lips to pay attention to what they were saying in the noise. Interesting news, good news, and some small success. Confirm this meeting, reschedule that meeting, yes, I'm available those two days, no, I will not be around that day. Page through millions of house plans to find some alternatives to the too expensive one. Stare blankly at a google search page that doesn't tell me what I want. Write a letter, come up with a postcard for an event, make lists, make more lists. Listen to the choir warm up downstairs, over and over again.

Still chilly outside, stop at the grocery store for cereal milk bread, come home. Unload groceries, put on yoga pants and plop down on couch. Shut brain off with the television. Muse about doing something productive and decide that no, no productivity. Tired, waiting for the rain that the sinus barometer says is on the way. Make brownies because I want them. Decide that this whole working out after work thing is obviously not working, given that I keep not doing it. Contemplate how early I'd have to wake up to work out in the morning, count backwards to determine bedtime and make face at going to bed before 10pm. Decide not to do that tomorrow. Maybe later.

Just Monday. No big thing.

Another List

2008-03-16T18:41:00.002-05:00

So, let's see about another list...hmmm....Ok, here.

Five Things I Want To Do This Year:

1) knit a pair of socks- I'm working on one right now, and I think I've almost got it, but I think I also screwed the heel up to the point where it needs redoing, so I may start over (yes, I could rip back to where I screwed up, but I figure things out better when I start over and do it all together)

2) Knit a sweater or other garment that's not a hat, socks, handwarmer, etc. I've got the yarn for it, and I've got a pattern picked for it already, although I might go with another pattern I just found if it seems like I'd have enough yarn for it.

3) Read all the books I already own. I've read....mmmmm, 15 already? I'd have to count.

4) Participate in at least three Service Sundays at church (every second Sunday of the month, my church does a service project).

5) Finish organizing my living room. I'm waiting for part of my desk to come in, which should happen next month (the desk is comprised of shelves, which are now special order- they didn't used to be- which is what is taking so long). I also want to go through everything on the "office" shelves because honestly, do I need a whole shoebox full of post-its? No, not particularly. I also don't need 15 highlighters. Some of it I'll just take to work (we use a LOT of post-its at work), but I'll have to find somewhere to take some of the rest of it (we don't use highlighters much at work, for example).

There. Five things for 2008. Sounds good, eh?

Blizzard Done!

2008-03-09T18:57:00.001-05:00

The blizzard is over. Everyone is safe and warm. Wanna see pictures? Of course you do: Blizzard 2008 on Flickr

Blizzard Warning

2008-03-07T17:29:00.003-05:00

Yeah, so I wasn't expecting this. Yesterday evening, I discovered my county was under a winter storm warning until Saturday night. I was guessing at about 2-3 inches with some freezing rain, which would be about right, but would derail my weekend plans to some extent (I was supposed to go home and then to Cleveland with my parents to take care of some details up there with my grandfather's house). Obnoxious, but not anything to be concerned over.

This morning, I check the forecast and find out the winter storm warning has been extended and the blurb says something about "significant snowfall expected" and "5 to 7 inches today and 5 to 7 inches overnight with drifts up to 24 inches". Uh, what? That's not exactly what came to mind when I saw what was probably my tenth winter storm warning of the winter. I'd think it was hyperbole, but when I left for work at 20 to 9, there was no snow. When I left work three hours later for lunch, there was so much snow I couldn't tell the sidewalk from the grass. There was one point where I crossed the street and didn't have to step up to the curb because there was so much snow that it was all one level. And it hasn't stopped. If I had to guess, looking out the window, I'd guess maybe 4-5 inches now. Bother, I thought. Looks like I won't be going home.

Well, it is now *definite* that I will not be going home, because I checked the weather to see if it could tell me how much snow we've gotten so far and the radar and discovered that they've cancelled the winter storm warning in favor for a blizzard warning. Yes, a blizzard. I don't think I've been in a blizzard since...1987, maybe? Ice storm, yes. Blizzard no. There were big letters on the warning page saying DO NOT TRAVEL. STAY INSIDE. THE END IS NEAR (well, ok, maybe not that last one). Good deal that I stopped off at the grocery on my way home and picked up snacky things (bread and milk I got. But if I'm gonna spend all weekend snowed in, I want some chocolate). Apparently the rest of the village was as caught off guard by the 10-14 inches of snow prediction because the store was packed (and it's not that big of a store) and everyone was saying "did you know there was a storm? I didn't know there was a storm? What the hell?"

So, apparently, I get to be a participant in Blizzard 2008. Woo! Except not so much. Am cranky now.

List, listy lists

2008-03-01T13:23:00.003-05:00

The theme for March for NaBloPoMo is Lists. I'm not officially participating, but doing it on my own, so I don't have to feel obligated to post every day. Thus, I'm presenting the top five items on my to-do lists to kick off March.

1) Have a lazy day (no problem there. Doing that right now. No work, no plans to do anything including getting dressed if I don't want to)

2) Clean up the kitchen and bathroom

3) Go to church tomorrow

4) Clean out the car (tomorrow it is supposed to be 50 and partly cloudy, so it's really the first opportunity I've had in over a month to do anything with the car)

5) Find out where the heck my shelves for my desk are. Because if they're not going to come in (they're semi-discontinued), then I need to figure something else out because I need to finish organizing that corner of the living room.

And with that, I'll go back to working on item number 1.

It is done

2008-02-14T20:04:00.002-05:00

My last homebuyer is now a homeowner. We closed on the last house of our 6 house project tonight. I am so relieved and so tired and so everything.

twenty-eight

2008-02-09T19:53:00.000-05:00

So, I've been 28 for a little over a week now. Interesting.

I keep saying "28? Really? Huh". Not that I really have a problem with getting older- every year is a little victory, isn't it? But I don't *feel* 28. I don't know what 28 is supposed to feel like, but this isn't it. 24, sure. 25, maybe. Perhaps it's because career-wise, I *am* only about 24. I mean, by the time you're 28, you're settled, right? Maybe going for that job at the next level of experience. Not starting over for the third time. Well, ok, you certainly can be starting over for the *third* time, obviously, because I am/have been/will be but still. Seems wrong and out of order.

I do, however, really need to stop comparing myself to my parents. My mother was 23 the year I was born. She was 25 the year Rob was born. So, she had two kids- heck, one in school already- the year she was 28. I have...a laptop and an aloe plant. And a lot of yarn and books. Not quite the same. I'm not looking for sympathy, by the way, it'll happen when it happens, and I don't think it's going to happen here (I could be wrong, stranger things have happened). But it is not quite the same. It doesn't have to be the same, but, well, this is not how I thought this was going to go.

Anyway, I'm 28. Maybe I'll be better at 28 than I was at 27. Might try harder, anyway.

Feast of St. Bridgid Slient Poetry Reading

2008-02-02T19:34:00.000-05:00

I found out about the Silent Poetry Reading at the Yarn Harlot's blog. And since it is still February 2 (otherwise known as the intermediate day in my vocabulary- it's the day between birthdays), I figured I might as well be participatory.

Kindness, by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness, you must travel where the
Indian in a white poncho lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans and the simple breath that kept
him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow
as the other deepest thing. You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day
to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

I came across this poem last year and fell in love with it. And so I'm sharing it today.

Home

2008-01-27T14:55:00.000-05:00

When you walk in your front door, which room do you enter?
You don't really walk into an actual room. I'm in a second floor walk-up, so there's a really short hallway that's taken up my bike hanging upside down, and then the stairs. The living room is at the top of the stairs

Do you have a dishwasher?
No, more's the pity

Is your living room carpeted or does it have hardwood floors?
It's hardwood with a rug

Do you keep your kitchen knives on the counter or in a drawer?
In a drawer with the rest of the silverware

House, apartment, duplex or trailer?
Apartment, although it's in a house, not an apartment building

How many bedrooms is it?
Just one

Gas stove or electric?
Really old gas stove that you have to light to use the oven.

Do you have a yard?
Heh. No

What size TV is in the living room?
19 inches, I think.

Are your plates in the same cupboard as your cups?
Yes, because there's only one cupboard left after the food and the pots and pans are taken care of.

Is there a coffee maker sitting on your kitchen counter?
Nope. I don't drink coffee. I do own one, though, for company.

What room is your computer in?
the living room

Are there pictures hanging in your living room?
Two, right now. A framed icon of St. Michael the Archangel, and a needlepoint that my grandmother made a long time ago. I'm still looking for one for over the TV

Are there any themes found in your home?
The turtle collection, I suppose. Or books. Lots of books. And yarn.

What kind of laundry detergent do you use?
All Free and Clear

Do you use dryer sheets?
Nope, I'm allergic

Curtains in your home?
There are red, green, and navy plaid curtains in the living room, blue curtains in the bedroom, and a green curtain in the bathroom.

What color is your fridge?
White

Is your house clean?
Sort of, kind of, not really right now. I was sick for a week or so and haven't quite caught back up on everything yet.

What room is the most neglected?
With only three small rooms, it's hard to have one be neglected and still function. But my bedroom is currently the messiest.

Are the dishes in your sink/dishwasher clean or dirty?
Currently dirty- I did dishes before I ate lunch, so now the lunch dishes are in the sink.

How long have you lived in your home?
About 7 months, I think. Since the middle of June.

Where did you live before?
My parents' house

Do you have one of those fluffy toilet lid covers on your toilet?
No, but my bathmat is fluffy.

Do you have a scale anywhere in your house?
In the bathroom

How many mirrors are in your house?
2, I think. One in the bathroom and the full length one on the back of the bedroom door.

Look up. What do you see?
Plain white ceiling

Do you have a garage?
That's funny. No.

Organization Girl

2008-01-25T18:42:00.000-05:00

We moved our office this week. It's now in a nice big room in a church near downtown. It's a much shorter commute for me- I can walk there in about 10 minutes, maybe less. The old office was a 25 minute walk or a 15 minute bike ride. This means I won't be driving as much, which will be nice. Although, today started out at -2 degrees, and the windchill never got above 10 degrees, so walking was a little out of the question. It'll be warmer next week, though.

Another nice thing is that I am in charge of organizing the office, so I can put it together the way I want to do it. I'm better at these things than my boss is, so she just let me go to. The majority of the equipment and supplies are all nice and neat and in logical places. I have to do the files yet, and I think that's probably going to be a month-long project. They aren't really divided into active and archived files, so you get things from 1999 in with things from 2007 and it's very overwhelming when you're looking for something. So I'm planning to go through everything and separate it into active and archived, put things together a bit more logically, and we'll wind up with much nicer files that anyone could find things in (important, because one of the things I'm supposed to be doing is creating an institutional memory to make staff transitions possible). That will be fun. It was fun figuring out where everything was going to go, too.

But it was a very tiring week, and I'm planning to curl up here on the couch with a blanket, play some Farm Frenzy, and maybe go to bed early. 'Cause it's cold, and my bed is warm.

only certain thing

2008-01-16T18:35:00.001-05:00

There is something that's a little bit weird about looking at your tax return and realizing that your refund is more than your adjusted gross income for the year. I thought I was reading it wrong until I realized that, no, *that* line said AGI and *that* line said refund.

It was mildly depressing, though, to add up all the medical expenses and come up with $2000, and know that wasn't all of them (I don't have all the prescription receipts- it didn't occur to me to start hanging on to them at first). It didn't matter, since the standard deduction is significantly larger (I have no mortgage interest, etc, and while yes, I did donate clothes and other randomness to charity, I don't get receipts for it because that's not the point).

Hello 2008!

2008-01-01T15:40:00.000-05:00

Object Lesson

2007-12-28T17:14:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, when I got in my car to leave my parents' house and come home to my apartment at 6:30 in the morning, my car would not start. Or rather, I think I did get it to start, but it was shaking so horribly that I can't be sure if it ever did actually turn over. This was A Bad Thing, as I had a meeting at work with someone on my list at 10:30 that I did not want to reschedule. I called Mom's cell phone and left her a message asking for suggestions, and went and played computer solitaire for an hour until Dad called me back. He said that if I thought I could get it to run, even shaking, I should take it over to the mechanics, and he'd get me from there after he dropped Mom off at work. So I went back out to the car, put the key in the ignition, and turned it, and the car turned over and started. It was still shaking, but not quite as badly as before. So I took a turn around the neighborhood to see if it would drive ok, and since it did, and seemed to be calming down further despite the check engine light being on, I decided to give driving home a shot.

So, I got from Columbus to my little town without too many scary moments, had my meeting at work, and took the car down to the local mechanic shop and said, essentially, "Car broke. Please fix." They called me this afternoon with their verdict: it needs an oil change (which i knew, and had asked them to go on and do while they were at it), new plugs and wires, new accessory belts and a new timing belt, and I think there may have been something to do with the water pump- my heart was going a little fast by then and I may have blanked on a couple of the details. The grand total for all of this is a little over $1000. I closed my eyes a minute, took a deep breath, and told them to go on and fix everything, even though it meant I wouldn't get the car back until Wednesday at the earliest (holiday. And I think they have to order a part, too). Oh, and can I say that I'm really glad this happened in the last week of December as opposed to the first week of January, so I can ascribe it to The Year That Really Just Didn't Work Out Very Well as opposed to The Next Year, Which Had Really Ought To Be Better Than Last Year, Please, God? Yeah.

So, someone gave me a ride home because it was raining, and I called Daddy and told him what was wrong and that I'd said to fix it and he said he thought that was a good call (my car is at the age where you have to start considering how much money you really want to put into it, because the car's financial value is basically zero. Its *personal* value is pretty immense, given that it's my car and it's paid for). And so I got off the phone and started playing with numbers. I don't have $1000. That's more than I even make in a month. I do have $500, and can probably squeeze another hundred or so out of my checking account by trimming the budget for this pay period a bit, but the rest is going to have to go on a credit card, which I'd prefer not to do, but well, life's not fair in the big city and sometimes you've just gotta go on with it. But it occurred to me that this is one of those VISTA experiences where you really kind of get what poverty means. Not destitute poverty, but that minimum wage, don't quite have enough to always go around, but you're hanging in there, poverty. My poverty is voluntary, and I know that if I can just get the car to hang in there for another 18 months, or 2 years, I can get a new car. Believe me, if I didn't know that for pretty much a fact, I would have been a lot more panicked this afternoon (actually, I'm pretty proud that I was as calm as I was). I'm used to living on not that much, but it really only does take one big thing to throw everything into a spiral. The ability to be inconvenienced, but basically all right, if something like a major car repair is unexpectedly necessary is something that I think a lot of people might take for granted. I really kind of didn't even before this (although it meant I needed a bail out more often than not), but now I really won't.

2007-12-16T13:50:00.000-05:00

I'm watching the Browns game, which is looking like a typical traditional Cleveland December football game (i.e., it's snowing. A Lot), and the commentators are obviously *not* from somewhere that has weather like this because they're all like "Well, when it started snowing, I didn't think it would keep snowing like this. It just won't stop". Lake effect, guys. Creates much snow. Sheesh.

Although, it was funny a moment ago when no one could find the 40 yard line. Both teams and all the refs walking around near the middle of the field kicking at the snow to see if they can figure out where they are. That was amusing. I actually have almost no idea what is actually happening, because I can't see more than half of what's going on. Somehow the Browns have 5 points. The three points, I know where they came from. Somehow there was a safety in there. I think that's what happened when the Bills kicker missed the snap on a punt and kicked the ball out of the end zone, but I don't think I've ever seen such a thing, so I don't know.

ETA that I think at least one of the commentators must be from California, since he just called I-90 "the 90", and we just don't do that here. They also seem surprised by the number of fans there. Heck, it's gotta be better than the old Municipal Stadium. And of course there's a lot of fans there. it's Cleveland. *rolls eyes*

Oh, here we go

2007-12-15T14:01:00.000-05:00

It's been snowing since about 9:30 this morning, so about 3 and a half hours at this point. I'm guessing about three inches (I haven't been out and have no intention of doing so, so I don't know for sure). But the grass is completely covered. And now the freezing rain has started.

Three-four inches of snow, plus about an inch of ice. Yup, it's winter in Ohio, all right. I'm just hoping the car doors don't freeze shut, because they're really a pain to get open, especially by myself.

Reasons and Seasons

2007-12-08T23:14:00.000-05:00

And Lo, it was December, and the Annual Great Debate over Appropriate Seasonal Holiday Greetings began anew.

Well, actually, I haven't been drawn into this debate yet. I do my best *not* to get drawn into this debate because quite honestly, I think some of the people involved in said debate may possibly have too much time on their hands and perhaps even a bit too much privilege if they truly feel they can claim they've been discriminated against. For the record, I don't care what sort of seasonal greeting someone wishes me. Heck, I don't even care if someone wishes me well for *any* holiday. I say Merry Christmas most often, but when I was working retail I just told people to have a good holiday. I wasn't going to assume we were celebrating the same one. It has nothing to do with political correctness and everything to do with politeness.

All that being said, I do hold some sympathy with the Jesus is the Reason for the Season contingent. Because, yes, Christmas is a religious holiday. It just *is*. It is the second most important holiday on the Church calendar. It's really kind of unavoidable. I feel like my liberal street cred should be revoked for saying it, but Christmas really shouldn't be celebrated as a solely secular holiday because it's just *not*. Yes, yes, I know Christmas coopted several pagan winter solstice holidays in order to be more acceptable to some factions of early Christians. But really, it doesn't make it any less of a religious holiday.

I don't have a problem with participating in some of the more secular parts of the holiday. I buy gifts for people and do like receiving them myself. I like baking cookies and decorating the tree. I believed in Santa as a kid and have no problem with that whole concept. But, at the center of all of it is the fact that we're celebrating the birth of Christ. The rest of it is nice, but it's not the driving force. And I have to remind myself of that this year more than most, because I'm not so much feeling the holiday thing (sorry, Mom. I'll get it together by the time I come home). Celebrating the birth of Christ is easier for me this year than the rest of it, because it never changes. Everything else does.

So while I don't mind when people don't say Merry Christmas, I do mind when they don't acknowledge the central fact that it is a religious holiday. The atheists and agnostics in the house may commence with the stone throwing. I'm not necessarily proud of my lack of tolerance for purely secular Christmas celebrations, but I'm also not going to apologize for my religious beliefs, either.

Coming to Accept

2007-11-04T18:29:00.000-05:00

So, I was home for the weekend for the memorial Mass for my grandparents (well, ok, they only mentioned my grandma. *I* was also memorializing my grandfather, and I imagine my parents were too. Anyway). Today, my mom needed to go grocery shopping and she asked if I wanted to come and get what I needed, meaning, she'd buy me my groceries. I finally said I'd go and get food. So I let her buy me three bags of groceries (more than I would have picked up for this week). My dad said he was proud of me for letting Mom buy me food.

See, the thing is, I've needed a lot of help from my parents. And they have been exceedingly gracious about giving me the help. However, most of the time I didn't want to ask for the help, and even though I accepted the help, I often didn't want to, even though I pretty much usually *had* to. And I didn't like it. I wanted to be independent. But it just wasn't always possible. Some of it was because I made some stupid choices. Some of it was just circumstance, and not something I did. It's taken me a long time to accept the fact that I am not the independent one. I am somehow the kid whose life isn't entirely stable. The one who doesn't know what the hell she's doing most of the time. It's not that I thought my brother would be that person- I didn't, really. He knows how to take care of himself just fine. But I didn't expect to be this person. But I am. And, well, it's all right. I do the best I can, and when I can't, I'm lucky to have the help.

Happy Thought

2007-11-02T15:36:00.000-05:00

I sent an email to my Americorps program coordinator (she's kind of like my HR department or something- I call her if there's a problem with Americorps related stuff) to correct the mailing address they have down for my organization, because I noticed they had it wrong when I was in Akron for the training. I also made a suggestion for something they could do to improve something that kind of bothered me at the training, since I thought of it on the way home and didn't get a chance to write it on the evaluation form.

Well, she wrote back and thanked me for my suggestion and said that they'd noticed the issue and were planning something to improve it for next time. And then she thanked me for participating in the training and said it was good to see me up there because I'm always such a positive presence. That just made me feel all warm and glowy inside, which is nice, since I spend my day getting complained at yesterday (everyone was much calmer today- I suspect they got it all out of their system yesterday).

Ah, home

2007-11-01T17:28:00.000-05:00

So glad to be home. I was in Akron for four days for a VISTA training. I was very happy last night to come home to my bed and my kitchen. And I was glad to go to work today, even if I spent half the day getting complained at. But my boss said she was very glad I was back, which made me feel a little better. And I'm tough, I can take it. Even if it does mean that I'm in my pajamas already at 6:30 and have no intention of doing anything of substance tonight. I may even turn on the TV (I've kind of stopped watching TV on the weekdays, except for the baseball which is obviously now over. I don't really get much more accomplished- the only way that'll happen is if I turn off the computer- but it feels like I *could*).

2007-10-23T07:11:00.000-05:00

Y'know, sometimes the Weather Channel cracks me up a bit. I like to check the percent chance of precipitation because it makes me feel like I've got useful information for making a considered decision whether or not we're going to be able to do things like paint out at the job site. Or whether the job site will be mud soup. It's not really actually helpful, it just makes me feel better.

Well, today, the forecast calls for heavy rain and the chance of precipitation is 100%. I guess they felt pretty safe making that bet, given that it's pouring rain out there. I can just imagine some meteorologist out there thinking "Yup, nailed that one, yes, I did" and feeling all smug. Meanwhile, yeah, it's rainy, it's chilly, it's fall, and I think I'm glad I didn't manage to get my laundry done yet, because I could recycle a pair of pants that's already muddy around the edges instead of getting another clean pair muddy.

Who Let the Dogs Out?

2007-09-30T15:18:00.001-05:00

Woo! 27-13! Against the Ravens! Rock ON.

It's been a good Ohio weekend, yes, yes it has. :o)

Go Tribe!

2007-09-30T11:03:00.000-05:00

I do have to say, that seeing the words "tied with Boston for the best record in the AL" is not a phrase I'm used to seeing in connection with the Cleveland Indians, but it was a fun phrase to see crawling along the bottom of the screen during the OSU/MN game last night. Yeah, I know, they're 1/2 a game back now, but it was fun while it lasted. And second best record in the AL isn't anything to sneeze at either. Yay for baseball in October!!

Small Town Moment 1

2007-09-25T17:34:00.000-05:00

So, my car was having issues so I took it to the mechanic in town, whereupon I found that it needed new rear brakes and an oil change (well, I knew about the oil change- I asked them to do it). This was on Friday and they had to order parts, so it wasn't fixed until Monday. Well, yesterday I spent all day painting out at the job site and it was very hot and I was very tired, plus my landlord decided to resurface my driveway (without telling me, I might add), so I decided not to go get the car, because I really wasn't in the mood to walk the mile and a bit down to the shop.

This morning, I walked down to the shop to pick up the car because I needed it for work today. I happened to walk past an acquaintance's house, and she saw me walking, and she came out to say hi. She said, "Are you going to get your car?" I said that, yes, I was, and how did she know my car was at the shop? Turns out, her husband had seen it in the parking lot of the shop on his way home from work. My boss saw it up in the shop lot, too. It never occurred to me that people might well recognize my car and then ask me about it later. Small town.

Insanity

2007-09-22T15:47:00.001-05:00

I'm watching the Buckeye game (they're up 35 to nothing...it's a fun game), and Jim Tressel looks almost....*happy*. This is almost unheard of. Goodness.

5 Things

2007-09-02T17:36:00.000-05:00

I'm informed that I don't update often enough. This is true. Things are good, I like living in my new apartment in my new town with my new job. It's fun. Tiring sometimes, but fun. And that's about what's going on- I pretty much have my boring life back and I'm really happy about that. And so...

Five things that I'm happy about this week:
1. "Found" money: I got a refund check for overpaying Cingular somewhere along the line. And I got my travel reimbursement from my training trip to Chicago in July, and got my mileage check. It was a pretty nice chunk of change and pretty much rebuilt my emergency fund, which made me VERY happy. I did splurge a little bit- I bought a new pillow and I'm going to get a massage sometime this week or next week (which is almost more of a medical necessity for me than a luxury, but still).
2. My haircut. It's cute, it's kinda sassy, and it's much cooler in the heat than all that hair was.
3. The weather cooled off dramatically this week. On Friday, I wore jeans, shoes and socks and even a jacket in the morning. I can't remember the last time I wore a jacket, and I don't think I've worn actual shoes other than for working out since moving day in June. I hate being cold, but right now, I think I don't mind.
4. I went "shopping" in the bins under my bed where I keep clothes that are too small, and "bought" two pairs of capris, a pair of pants and 4 or 5 shirts. They're all things I could wear within the last year- I haven't gotten quite to the older things yet, but I'm very happy.
5. I actually did work at the job site on Friday. Well, I frequently am doing work while I'm at the job site, but I did actual work on houses. I screwed receptacles into the walls and put cover plates on, and wired a GCFI outlet (which was a lot easier than I thought it would be). I think we might put the receptacles under the heading of Things Kim Isn't So Great At (not because I'm incapable of it, but because my hands aren't very strong and I had a hard time getting them in there straight), but I had fun anyway.

So far in 2007....

2007-05-10T22:21:00.000-05:00

- I've had a sinus infection that would not die
- I had to put about $650 worth of work into my car
- I spent my birthday in an ICU in Akron with my dying grandfather
- My grandfather did actually die (the day after my birthday, which happens to be my father's birthday)
- We (i.e., my mother and I) had a crisis of religion. It wasn't a crisis of faith- we were totally down with the God part- but more of a break with the Church
- My grandmother became rather ill and increasingly incapable of being left on her own during the day
- Our pet rabbit died, while I was in the next room. I heard her scream and she was gone when I went to investigate.
- There were issues at work which ultimately led to me sort of losing my job (I quit, it was my choice, but it's not entirely inaccurate to say I lost my job, either)
- My grandmother wound up getting extremely sick and going into the hospital where she died a week later.

And it's not even June yet. Things have to get better from here, or I'm boycotting the rest of 2007.

2007-03-14T20:57:00.000-05:00

This was kind of interesting. And fairly bang on, which sometimes these web sort of things aren't (for me, at least. I sometimes am not easily categorized).

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

2007-03-06T02:45:00.000-05:00

This is the most insane, yet most absolutely perfect thing I think I may have ever seen. I'll warn you, though, if you're not familiar with the song "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot, the language is not work safe, although the images itself are.
,

Not Quite a Winter Wonderland....

2007-02-15T16:58:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact that I saw a robin today while driving home from the grocery, winter has decided to finally make an appearance and hold us all in her thrall. At least it's not so cold as it was earlier this month, but we made up for it with the snow and the ice.

This is what my neighborhood looked like yesterday. Actually, it looks much the same today, except the sun is shining. The sun isn't doing much other than melting the icicles on the roof of the house- it's certainly not making the snow any softer, as I discovered when I attempted to clear the end of the driveway a bit in the hopes of freeing up the storm drain.

That's about 6-8 inches of snow with something approximating 1-2 inches of ice on top of it. Might not sound like a lot if you're from, say, upstate New York, but believe me, it's a big deal around here. Getting around has been an adventure the past couple of days.

Could be much worse- we didn't lose power in the ice storm. Thankfully, it sounds like most people kept their power this time. A couple of years ago, over Christmas, we had a horrible ice storm that knocked power out to more than half the city for about three days. And the ice does make for pretty trees, I suppose.

So, despite the robin, I somehow don't think spring is coming anytime soon. At least not this week.

Gone Fishing

2007-02-14T18:33:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago, my grandfather died. I haven't written anything, because at the time, I was enmeshed in the practicalities of helping to shepherd 25 people of various ages and points of origin and points of view through a funeral process. Besides, other people were writing wonderful things and I agreed wholeheartedly with what they were saying, and didn't see where my writing anything would add to the conversation, so to speak.

And so, I still don't know exactly what to say. There was never any doubt in my mind that my grandfather entirely loved me (and the rest of my family). And it still feels a little surreal. There's two things I keep thinking, two halves of what might be a whole.

The first is sort of pragmatic and practical. In some ways, it feels like the answer to a question. It's a puzzle piece slotted into place from the unknown. One of the reasons (among several) I moved back to Columbus from DC was the fact that I knew that things were getting more difficult healthwise for my grandfather. I didn't really want to be halfway across the country anymore. I wanted to be home and closer. Since moving back, it's been one of those things I wonder. When, how, what would happen. But now I know the answer. It'll happen at 11pm the day after you turn 27, in the palliative care unit at Akron City Hospital, with many members of your family in attendance. It will be peaceful, in as so much as something like this can be. He won't feel anything- he'll go to sleep around 11am that morning and simply not wake up again. You won't remember much of what happened immediately afterwards other than sitting in a room next to your brother, staring at a fountain while he calls his wife, your sister, to let her know that Grandpa's gone.

You'll go with your cousin to buy clothes for the funeral home to dress him in. She'll be concerned that it be as much like a sweatsuit as possible, since she's promised Grandpa that he will absolutely not be buried in a suit. You'll be concerned that the clothes are warm and cosy, which is somewhat silly, but it's very cold, and you won't be able to stand the idea of sending Grandpa off to eternity in something that won't keep him warm. You'll bury him on the coldest day of the winter thus far, so cold that the windchill will be -20, and the committal service will be less than 10 minutes for fear of frostbite. Amid jokes about horrible weather and bad timing, because you've got to laugh or cry, and crying hurts more, you'll think that it's completely right that the weather is so cold and awful, because what you're doing is so cold and awful.

And then you'll go home, and you'll go back to work, and you'll tell people when they say they're sorry, that really, it's all right. He's safe and sound, now, and it may sound awful, but you don't have to worry anymore. You'll think, (but you won't say) "I know the answer to that question now".

But at the same time, I'm also thinking, "But, this is all wrong!" He was my indestructible grandparent, the one who'd come back from the odds so many times that I'd lost count. He'd been living on his own, mostly independently, up until this past summer. He'd been absolutely fine the week before when I called him on his birthday. It was sudden, and it was wrong, and it's awful. While we were sitting with him, he would stop breathing for a few seconds at a time. And every time, we'd all go quiet and turn and look at him until he started breathing again. Every time it happened, I thought, "It's ok, Grandpa, you don't have to fight anymore, you can go on if you like". And every single time he started breathing again, I closed my eyes in relief that we had him for at least another couple of breaths.

It wasn't what I expected, or when I expected. But it is what was. And it makes me indescribably sad, even though I try not to think, because it makes me cry. And crying hurts and I don't like to do it. He loved us and he'd just want us to be happy. Happy for him that he's up there in the everafter with Grandma and Uncle Kevin and Uncle Ed and all the rest of his family. Happy because he had a long and wonderful life, full of love and joy. And I'm trying, but some days, it's just hard. But eventually, it'll be better. That's the promise life gives you, that eventually, it will be better and you'll understand.

Well, then.

2007-01-09T00:01:00.000-05:00

I just watched the longest winning streak come to an end. It was not pretty.

People who can speak more intelligently than me (and many who can't, but well, that's football for you) will hash this out from now until probably the end of time (this is Columbus, you know. We don't forget anything around here). But I will say this: if Ted Ginn Jr. had to sit out the majority of the game, I'm glad he got that first play. Won't help much tonight, I'm sure, but it really was a beautiful run.

And what the hell was Tressel thinking on that 4th down play?

Anyway, it is long past my bedtime. I stayed up and watched until the bitter end. I know it makes no difference, but I just didn't want to leave them early. I always feel that way- they're my team, I'm going to stick with them. This is probably somehow genetic, given that the rest of the sports teams I cheer for are from Cleveland. If anyone knows how to stick it out to the end, it's a Cleveland fan.

A Little Life

2007-01-01T21:40:00.000-05:00

It has occured to me, after nearly 27 years, that I am not meant for a big, grand, exciting life. I don't remember what movie I was watching (I wasn't so much watching it as it was on while I was in the room), but it had something to do with spies or some kind of high intrigue, and I looked up and said, "See, the thing is, I could never be one of those people. It's too exciting".

And it's true. I don't like excitement. More often than not, it means that Very Unpleasant Things are either happening or about to happen. I'm not talking about being excited about something good- that I am quite good at. I'm talking about things that people write books and make movies about. No one is going to make a movie about my life, and you know, Thank God for small favors.

As hard as it is for some people to believe, I want my life to be little. To be simple- even boring. I don't need grand passion (although a little passion might be nice) or high drama (God, please, no drama). I just want to be. Just a small, mostly insignificant person living in a not terribly exciting location, just trying to make as much sense of it as I can. That's plenty enough for me. And now that I realize that, I can start making it happen, instead of feeling like I need to somehow live up to some nebulous expectation that life is meant to be a high paced scramble filled with glamour and excitement. No thanks. I'll just stay right here and live my little life to the fullest extent, thank you all the same.